The problem with being center brained with a high IQ (my mother had me tested... no really, Sheldon and I have that in common) is that you often feel like you have a constant argument between Spock and Kirk going on in your head. The problem is you agree with both of them and can see the merit of both sides. The prize being debated by these two nimrods is the use of your time, effort and energy.
This was much less a problem when I was younger, the kids were younger and the entirety of life was based on survival, provision, and what the children required. Everything in life during those days was dictated for me through those requirements, and there was little room for deviation. Interrogating the requirements at that time was around budget, and what little personal time I had was spent going to college. Life was structured, hectic to the point of frenetic, and everything had to be in its place for the machinery to function.
Then the frenzy was over... the majority of the kids had moved out, and believe me when you have raised seven children in your home, only having one left under the roof is frightening. The silence can be intolerable and the mind becomes overactive. This is the moment where the idea of a midlife crisis took bloom for me. The little evil, emotional side of me felt I had the right, and deserved to just cast off all responsibilities and go a little nuts. The argument was based on the idea that I had entered the parenthood arena while I was still a child, and I deserved to have the adventures I missed. Then Spock kicked in and started weighing the costs, analyzing the issue, performing root cause analysis on why I felt the way I did, how to manage the root of the issue, etc. It was actually a phenomenal battle to sit and watch from the sidelines. Sometimes that is precisely how I felt too, like a spectator to the battle going on in my mind, with my feet up and a bowl of popcorn. In many respects this was my salvation from doing many very stupid things. I see now that the idea of the midlife crisis is just like the idea of rebellious teenagers - it's something society has created and people buy into in order to justify bad behavior and poor decision making.
In my head the discussions went further than just angst over the missed unspecified adventures. It went into career choices, long term planning, debt, overall financials, getting in better physical shape, vanity, environment, housing, location, art, hobbies, writing... it was endless, and no topic, nothing I cared about was left untouched by the battle. So I silenced it by going back to school for my masters degree, told the two bickering bastards to sit down, shut up, and get busy with something more important. This didn't solve the problem, just pushed it aside for the two years it took to complete the degree program.
What I found upon exiting was that instead of creating direction, the program opened more doors to me, gave me more options, and gave Kirk and Spock MORE to bicker about. This is another problem with having an active mind that doesn't believe anything is impossible until it is tested. The creative side is open to new ideas, picks them up and runs with them down many a merry rabbit hole, all the while the logical mind is feeding it facts, figures, justifications and reasons why it would work. There is no referee or adult in the room to blow a whistle or offer direction. Nothing is impossible thus everything is probable and open to debate. It sounds fascinating, but let me tell you, it's exhausting and either sends you running in circles or renders you inert.
To top it all off stress of my job was killing me, the lack of direction at home was boring me to death. I'd work 10-12 hours a day, I wouldn't be mentally tired most days, so I'd come home to abstract boredom. It was like running a marathon each day, the noise of the crowds constant, then being dropped in a silent box in the evening. I still had the same "empty nest" problem I'd started with, and the same lack of direction. I'd been working two hours (each way) away from home, I'd be gone 14 hours a day five days a week in order to make the money the family needed to survive, and in the end they'd learned to live without me. I wasn't needed really. So I started searching for a job closer to home - truthfully I'd never stopped. I'd taken other job because I had no choice - I was out of work, bills had to be paid and children had to be fed. I'd been laid off, my husband had just had open heart surgery, and I was trapped by circumstances far outside my control. I felt detached from my kids and responsibilities so far away, but I didn't have a choice. Granted, the people I worked with were fabulous, I learned vast quantities of things while working there, and the experience from a career perspective was invaluable, but the distance did irreparable damage.
So this year I received a job offer close to home and I took it. This has given me back enormous amounts of time. I work a 40 hour week, drive 20 minutes each way - it feels so normal. Kirk and Spock are still fighting over what I should be doing with my free time, so I went back to school for post graduate work. My rationale was if I have a teaching certification it will be easier to get that online professor job that would allow me exit the corporate world. It still didn't shut the two up - it wasn't nearly as difficult as the Masters program, so they continued to bicker. To solve the problem I busied myself on the creative side sewing for and working at the Maryland Renaissance Festival; still not finding and addressing the root cause of the problem.
The new job itself was very good and I enjoyed what I was doing. Six months in my manager, the director of the department, resigns and everything is thrown into turmoil. In troop Kirk and Spock - Kirk arguing over money, expressing fear and anxiety over the possibility of being unemployed, castigating me for leaving my previous position... Spock begins analysis of the situation, formulating a plan to retain my position, and then gets the idea that I could apply for the directors position. Days are spent with Spock formulating plans on how to fix the issues with the department, processes to implement those plans. Kirk is still in the corner in a ball having a panic attack. All the while I'm following Spock's logic rather than dealing with Kirk's emotional miasma.
Then I have a pivotal conversation with my eldest daughter about knowing what you want. The light bulb went off in my head with such blinding power that both Kirk and Spock sat down, shut up and everything got very quiet in my mind. I spent the next 24 hours reviewing the last fifteen years, the patterns of behavior, the dissatisfaction I have and the difficulty being content, all I've tried to fill the void with. I reflected on the last few years - how since having only one child at home we've begun going out and doing more, spending time with friends disconnected over the years due to the frenzy of child rearing. You wouldn't have known it to look at me though, I performed all my Christmas duties, took kids bowling and for milkshakes like a good mom/grandmom, etc. All the while my brain is churning.
I started peeling away the tough skin I've acquired from dealing with a lifetime of trauma, childhood emotional abuse, abandonment, lack of emotional and financial support and found that at the root of everything I was just like everyone else - I wanted to be accepted for exactly who I am. I don't want to chase down people or try to be what they expect or want me to be. I want to be with people who want to be with me. Reflection has shown me that this has caused me to walk away from a lot of things. I wont try and fit in, I won't try and be friends with people who don't understand me, don't want me in their lives or their cliques. High school is over, and I have absolutely no desire to play those popularity games.
So what do I want - that really is the core issue. In the end I decided what I don't want... I don't want to be owned. I want to be free. I don't want to be owned by a corporation that will demand 70+ hours a week for the "honor" of a directors title and salary, all the while reducing my hourly value to below that of my staff with unmanageable demands and unappreciated deliverables. I don't want to be owned by debt; living in fear of not being able to make my financial obligations, and unable to do or experience things because I don't have the finances for them. I don't want to be owned by things, with the acquisition, care and feeding of those things eating away at my time and energy. Being an honorable being, I won't just cast off the trappings of all I have responsibility for and live in a Gypsy cart, as wonderful as that sounds sometimes. I couldn't sleep with myself at night if I didn't fulfill my obligations.
I've had many wonderful family members and dear friends who have offered wise counsel without even knowing about the cacophony going on in my mind. Their guidance on taking time to think through things, guidance on reflection and being both honest with myself and offering myself forgiveness, the open and graceful love offered by my closest dear ones - it's all given me the ability to figure out what I want, and then allow Spock to take over and plan how we are going to get there WHILE keeping Kirk from curling back into that little ball of anxiety in the corner.
My brain, skills, knowledge and experience are extremely valuable, and if my current company doesn't want them, and maybe if they do still want them, I am going to spend some time as the traveling consultant. I'll make the final decision in the next couple weeks. The bare faced truth is that the hourly rate for my skills on the consulting market is triple what I make now. It's a sacrifice to be away from home four days a week, but they don't need me anyway. They like having me around, but I am not a necessary cog in the workings of their lives. Plus, I won't take any contract that doesn't either allow me to work partially from home or be home for weekends. Then in a couple years I can be entirely debt free - free from the financial anxiety that has driven me since I was 17 years old. Free from the care and feeding of stuff. I'm a little worried about the whole thing - Kirk wouldn't have it any other way, but with careful financial planning everything will be fine.
